November 8

BEST BOSS EVER! Newsletter November 2024

(804 words = 6.2-minute read)

October Newsletter Recap

# 1 – Display Expertise and Good Judgment – do this without making others feel less than or not good enough…

# 2 – Demonstrate Consistency – do what you say you will do, repeatedly…

# 3 – Build Relationships – convey to others how much you care for them and put their needs first…

 

Hello Leaders! This month’s newsletter focuses on enhancing self-leadership by reducing “self-deception.” Self-deception can undermine your effectiveness and impact your organization’s performance. Since it affects us all, understanding how to address it is essential. I’ve included quotes from the book Leadership and Self-Deception by the Arbinger Institute – a book I highly recommend.

 

Point # 1 – People Skills Are Not the Most Important Thing

When working with clients, they sometimes joke that they feel like they have been on the “therapist’s couch.” Ha-ha! It is true that some of the work they do is psychological and identifies the reasons why they do what they do. Your mindsets and attitudes initiate your leadership skills. Attitudes lie beneath the surface and stealthily affect our problems. When you can’t clearly see a problem, it’s difficult to solve it and know how much of it stems from what you are doing or not doing…

Daniel Goleman, an expert on Emotional Intelligence, has shown that there is also “social intelligence” – a dynamic that arises from the interaction of two people’s minds in a two-way conversation. Even subtle judgments you hold about someone are often sensed by the other person. When you feel you’re being managed, manipulated, or outsmarted, it can feel belittling. The Arbinger Institute describes this as being in “the box.” In this state, we see ourselves and others “in a systematically distorted way – others are mere objects.”

No matter how good your interpersonal skills are, you will not be a successful leader when you have others in a box. You can’t fake it. They know it and only you hold the ‘key’ (your judgement).

Ask Yourself: How can I be aware of how my attitude and judgments cloud my interactions?

 

Point # 2 – Self-Betrayal = Being in The Box

“Self-betrayal” occurs when you act against an initial sense of what you should do for someone else. Unfortunately, when you do this, you see only what justifies your self-betrayal act. When you see the world in a self-justifying manner, your view of reality becomes distorted – in this state, you effectively “enter the box”.

The box is a metaphor for resisting others’ humanity. When you’re in the box, you actively resist the natural empathy and responsibility you feel toward others. To ignore or resist those urges, we devise a story that creates the box, which is almost always a ‘lie.’ When you betray yourself, you become self-deceived by blaming others, exaggerating their flaws, inflating your virtue, and amplifying anything that justifies your actions.

Over time, some boxes become ‘your story,’ and you replay them repeatedly. And when you do this consistently, you actually provoke others to be in the box by playing the blame game. This is a significant and unconscious reason why some relationships never get better. They are stuck in two boxes!

When you are in the box, you need people to cause trouble for you – you need problems to justify keeping them in the box. “For this reason, when two or more people are in their boxes toward each other, mutually betraying themselves, we often call it ‘collusion.’ And when you are in collusion, you collude in condemning ourselves to ongoing mutual mistreatment.”  I once was a part of an entire executive team in collusion, which was incredibly dysfunctional!

Ask Yourself: Who am I currently in the box with?

Point # 3 – How to Get Out of the Box

You can’t escape the box by focusing on yourself. Inside the box, you feel insecure and “desperate to prove you’re justified.” The moment you stop blaming others or inflating their faults, you step outside the box—you’re “liberated from self-justifying thoughts and feelings.” When you begin to see others as real people, with needs, hopes, and concerns as valid as your own, you’re out of the box.

So, what’s a leader to do?

  • Don’t try to be perfect. Do try to be better.”
  • “Don’t look for other’s boxes. Do look for your own.”
  • “Don’t focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right to help.”
  • “Don’t accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself.”
  • “Don’t give up on yourself when you discover you’ve been in the box. Do keep trying.”
  • “Don’t deny you’ve been in the box when you have been. Do apologize, then just keep marching forward, trying to be more helpful to others in the future.”

Ask Yourself: How can I stay out of the box with the most challenging people I know?

Help a leader get ‘out of the box’: Pass along their name, and I will help them.

Want to Go Deeper?

  1. Leadership and Self-Deception – The Secret to Transforming Relationships and Unleashing Results by the Arbinger Institute
  2. Judgment Detox – Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back from Living a Better Life by Gabrielle Bernstein

Please forward this newsletter to a friend or colleague. Thank you!


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