Ugh - What’s Wrong with Me?
A Better Question for Leaders on Their Off Days
October 2026 Blog
Have you ever felt that something is wrong with you? I know I have. It usually shows up when I'm feeling down, or at least a little melancholy, and I don't always catch it at first. It drains my energy and dulls my edge. When I don't have the energy I'm used to, my extra push for a better solution or idea slips, and I settle more often than I'd like.
My usual response is to put my head down and push through by doing more stuff. I guess I'm thinking I can just work my way out of it. I also notice myself working more and taking care of myself less. I skip a workout or yoga and drink more coffee than I should.
I'm fairly certain most of you have experienced something similar, and perhaps it happens more often than you would like.
Between leading at work, caring for our families, and keeping our closest relationships strong, we tend to put ourselves last on the long list of to-dos. Am I right? Many of us shrug and say that's just the way it is. There's no use complaining, because it isn't going to change.
One of my wonderful clients found a creative workaround. He and his wife came into the office together. She drove home, and he ran home so he could at least get a workout in on his "commute." Not a bad idea if there's no other time left!
From Judgment to Compassion
Dr. Bruce Perry, a child psychiatrist and neuroscientist, co-wrote a book with Oprah Winfrey called What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Perry has said the book tries to move people away from judging someone, or from focusing on what they're doing wrong in the moment. Instead, it asks us to recognize that how a person behaves today grows out of something that happened earlier. When we understand someone's story, we're far more likely to respond with compassion and kindness.
The core idea is beautifully simple. Stop asking, "What's wrong with you?" and start asking, "What happened to you?"
That makes so much sense, and I love it because it moves me from judgment to love. My wife helps me with this all the time by reminding me to shift my attention from judgment to love. It's amazing how one small change in a question can make such a big difference.
But what about the days when the question we're really asking is, what's wrong with me?
Turning the Question Inward
The same question shift needs to happen inside us if we want to be whole and compassionate toward ourselves. The first act of extraordinary leadership is always how we lead ourselves. As you know, we cannot lead others well until we lead ourselves well.
How does this work? It starts with a strong desire to master the noise in our minds and to navigate the nearly impossible set of circumstances we face every day. All the demands placed on us can drive us into overwhelm (or not). On one of those "off days," rather than feeling bad about feeling down, we can show ourselves compassion by asking a better question: What's happening to me?
When we spend time reflecting on that question, we grow our self-awareness. Without greater self-awareness, we can't discover new ways to take care of ourselves. We're destined to play a game of survival instead of finding ways to thrive in the middle of life's storms.
Awareness Alone Isn't Enough
Let's not pretend that reflection and self-awareness alone will change things. We also have to manage ourselves differently. That's where emotional intelligence comes in: noticing what we're feeling, then choosing how to respond instead of defaulting to more coffee and longer hours. If we don't, we'll miss all those innovative ideas, like running home instead of driving home.
Real change only happens when we put a stake in the ground and declare that something new is going to take place. Change happens one day at a time. New habits are challenging to start, but they are the lifeblood of a better life.
So, what is a leader to do? Start Small
If you haven't read James Clear's Atomic Habits or it's been a while, it's worth picking back up some ideas from it fits this conversation especially well:
Small changes compound. Getting about 1% better each day adds up to dramatic results over time, even if no single day looks like progress.
Systems beat goals. Winners and losers often share the same goals. What separates them is the daily system they follow. When pressure hits, you rely on your habits, not your aspirations.
Identity-based habits. The most durable change comes from deciding who you want to be, not what you want to achieve. Each action is a "vote" for the kind of person you're becoming.
My client who ran home is a perfect example. He didn't wait for a free hour that was never coming. Every run home was a small vote for the kind of person he wanted to be: someone who takes care of himself, even on the busiest days. That's what starting small looks like.
Leading Yourself Is Never Finished
Leading ourselves requires better questions, honest reflection, and a commitment to small daily changes. It's a continuous process of self-awareness and self-management. We are never a finished product.
Anyone who wants to be a better leader must make leading themselves a priority, and getting help from others is often necessary. This is the work I do as a coach, and I've seen how much faster leaders grow when they have a thinking partner in their corner.
How can you start today? Decide that no matter what your current circumstances are, you will become a reflective leader who keeps trying new ways to manage yourself and your life. Grab a journal and set aside time to reflect on who you are today (What's happening to me?) and who you want to be tomorrow.
A few questions to get you started:
What's draining me right now?
What did I stop doing that used to fuel me?
What's one small thing I'll do differently this week?
Even a little reflection time helps you feel that life isn't just happening to you. You are leading yourself.
Life will keep happening. The question is whether you'll lead yourself through it.
If you would like to talk about your situation, I would be glad to hear your story. Please don't put off making a call if you are struggling. You can see my availability and schedule here: calendar.